Disorder in American Courts

I hadn’t heard about the book Disorder in American Courts until today, which leads me to believe people have been in on some sort of grand conspiracy to keep this gem out of my life. Luckily, through the power of social media, their attempts have failed. If you like the below excerpt, I suggest you go to popehat.com and search for the book through their amazon search bar and help my favorite blog pay it’s server rent.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Enjoy your weekend.


Ellis The Elephant Turns Out To Be Dumbo

ku-medium1

Surely the above Elephant is a kind loving creature who only has happy thoughts right? Wrong. Adam Savader, former Gingrich staffer, pictured above as Ellis The Elephant has been indicted of unpleasantries that boil down to sextortion. I will let the venerable Adam Steinbaugh explain it better than I could:

It alleges, essentially, that a New York man — Adam Paul Savader — used a variety of Google Voice numbers to text women under the monicker “John Smith.”  ”Smith” told the women that he had nude photos of them (or, in one victim’s case, her mother) and that he would post more online if they did not send more nude photos.  He allegedly threatened to send the photos to their family members, sorority sisters, and the Republican National Committee, telling one that everyone in “D.C” would see the nude photos.

Never trust an elephant with stripes on it’s trunk. No word yet on wether he sent pictures back of himself trunkless. This blogger thinks Savader won’t be staffing again, unless Anthony Weiner is looking.

 


FBI Ricin Interrogation Transcript

I want to begin this by saying, I totally get it. Paul Kevin Curtis. The guy has 3 first names, that’s damn suspicious and he’s an Elvis impersonator which is totally a criminal indicator, as anyone who has seen 3000 Miles to Graceland can attest. So when you get letters full of Ricin, Paul Kevin Curtis stands out. The letters were even signed “KC” though I don’t know many people who sign with their middle initial rather than their first, but the FBI has it’s methods. So to shed some light on the situation I am releasing part of the interrogation of Mr. Curtis(KC) by Special Agent Todd Douglas(SAD).

SAD:  Tell us about the Ricin Mr. Curtis, if you cooperate, we can help you.

KC:  Man, I don’t even like rice.

SAD:  Oh, a funny man huh? You know what they do to funny men in a Federal Super Max Prison? Where did you get the Ricin?

KC:  I mean… I… I’ve only gotten rice once, from Uncle Ben.

SAD:  Who is this Uncle Ben? Is that a code name? Tell me his real name!

KC:  I don’t know his real name, it just said Uncle Ben on the package.

SAD:  What did the package look like?

KC:  I mean, it was an orange box with the picture of some old guy on it.

SAD:  Was this old guy someone “Uncle Ben” wanted you to target?

KC:  No, no, no. I think the old guy is Uncle Ben.

SAD:  And where is this box now?

KC:  In my cabinet, next to the sink.

SAD:  We are going to check this story out, if you lied, so help me, I’ll feed your balls to a chihuahua.

There you have it. Justice in the works.

Update | 27.04.13

Apparently Ricin Elvis was framed by a martial arts instructor. It doesn’t get any weirder than this folks. Kobra Kai almost got away with it too.

images


Awkward.

Mr. Conseco has since deleted the tweet.
TinyGrab Screen Shot 4-19-13 1.37.40 AM

Then my reaction:

patrick stewart facepalm

Posted because I am often times too serious on this blog.


Ethos Water, charity for the lazy.

I bought an Ethos water in a rush to get to my geography course, I like to sip water while learning. Now I don’t spend $1.95 on a 23oz water bottle very often, but I rationalized it to myself because Starbucks donates money to get clean water to children in places where sewage and drinking water freely mingle. So at some point during class I read the side of the bottle and was surprised that out of the $1.95 I spent, only 1 nickel makes it way to the children. That’s a measly 2.6% for those of you who don’t want to do the math.

Ethos is bottled by Safeway under their Lucerne brand and distributed by Pepsi. Starbucks basically owns the brand name, which they bought in 2005. While this all boring news, I still thought to myself, couldn’t 3 profitable corporations who peddle their quite expensive charity water donate more than 2.6% of the purchase price?

Maybe they use really good water I said to myself. It turns our however, that they use the same spring water that I can get out of a Safeway brand water bottle for less than half the price and almost twice the volume. Then I thought, well since they are helping kids, maybe they care about the environment too. Maybe their recycled plastic cost more than regular plastic. Again I was disappointed. It turns out, unlike other Pepsi distributed plastic bottled waters, Ethos bottles are virgin plastic.

So let me summarize this all:

  • Ethos water is the same water as store brand.
  • Unlike other water that Pepsi distributes, it’s bottled in virgin plastic.
  • Only 2.6% of your $1.95 goes to the children.
  • You can buy twice as much of the same water for half the price.
  • I am a sucker and was ripped off by Starbucks.

So if you really want to help the children buy a Safeway water or really any store brand water and donate 50 cents each time to a charity of your choice. You’ll save money, get more money to the charities, drink the same water, and maybe even get a recycled plastic bottle in the process.